I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
