your thong is hanging out like whoa
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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