if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
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I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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