i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
