There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
