I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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