I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
