I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
