I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
