I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
