I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
