I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
