I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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