I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
