you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
