I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
