how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
