A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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