I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
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Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
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She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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