oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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