i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
