Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
