There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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