I wannas sexs uuuuu
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
