someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
