I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
