I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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