its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
