its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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