I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
