i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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