whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
