Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
