Jerry, you need to find god
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Drunk is a universal language darling
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
