I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
