i was born a porn star she said
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
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You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
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I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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