Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We had sex on a dog bed..
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
