The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
