Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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