We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
