Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
