The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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