why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
