You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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