God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
