WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I fill condoms, not promises.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
