can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
