I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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