I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
