the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
