At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
