you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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