He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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