Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
