Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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