I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
