I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
