Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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