I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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