I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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